The WHAT IF Chronicals: part one: Like Red Matters
by Valentine Thornton
Summary: WHAT IF Ponyboy had wandered around all night after Johnny died? WHAT IF they didn't seek medical attention untill it was too late? WHAT IF it was more than just a concussion? Will damage to the FrontalLobe completely ruin his life?
1. No Where to Go

**Somewhere in all the madness Ponyboy saves Dally's life...**

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><p>I stumbled around for what felt like hours… Or were they seconds? I couldn't remember. Doesn't matter anyway right? Who cares what time it is? I remember being back in WindrixVille, not once did I wonder what time it was. I somehow managed to survive without a clock so obviously the time of day doesn't matter. Never again, will I focus on something as dumb as the time of day.<p>

I found myself in the middle of the street. I blinked. How did I get out here?

I turned around and realized that I had no idea where I was. Now that I think about it, the last familiar thing I saw was the hospital. Where am I? Looking up, I spotted a street sign. "Disillusionment," is what the sign read.

What a strange name for a street. Oh Well, I'm lost. - Not like it matters anyway right? How important could a location be? It's not as if I have anywhere to go.

I heard an abnormally loud car horn blast from behind me.

Are car horns supposed to be that loud?

I turned around and realized that there was a bunch of cars being held up. They were all honking their horns. Why didn't I hear that before?

"Get out of the road you stupid kid!"

I started to run but my head pounded causing me see red. I winced, walked over to the sidewalk and sat down on the curb.

I looked at the traffic and watched the cars speed by. Old cars, new cars. Red cars, blue cars. Cars of every type imaginable. Looking at these cars makes me wonder why Darry puts up with that old beat up Pickup of his. Why doesn't he just put me in a boy's home and go to college? That way he'd be able to get a good job and get a new truck.

Maybe, I thought, maybe I'll run the idea by him next time I see him.

After a while I felt a little better so I got up and continued on walking.

Walking where?

I have no clue. - Does it even matter, anyway?

Suddenly I was blinded by two bright headlights...

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><p><strong>Review<strong>

**At the rummble Ponyboy got kicked in the head and it sent his brain flying into the front of his head causing damage to the Fronta lobe.. just thought you should know...**

**please review...**

**btw. i tried to fix some of the mistakes but the rest of them are staying...**


	2. Red Images

**Well, I fixed some of the grammar and spelling issues in chapter one, and I also made chapter two loger to make up for the shortness of chapter one. Don't forget to review. Thoes things inspire me...**

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><p>Suddenly I was blinded by headlights.<p>

The headlights were getting bigger and bigger, too big.

I tried to tell myself to get out of the middle of the road, but my body seemed to have a mind of its own. For some odd reason my legs wanted to stay rooted to the asphalt of the road, and no matter how hard I tried; I couldn't move them.

- For a moment it seemed like there was a force much greater than me that wanted me dead. – Perhaps all this is somebody's way of telling me that I'm not needed, that I was never needed. Maybe all I ever did was take up space on this earth and cause nothing but grief for the others that have to live here. Perhaps I shall just sit back and let those headlights grow as large as they possibly can, let them get to an enormously freakish size and over take my body in one fatal mighty swoop. - I shut my eyes and accepted the fact that I was about to die, about to leave the world and float out of my body, in mind and in spirit, just as Johnny had done only a little while ago. A sudden wave of red pain over washed me and my head pounded. I braced myself for the impact of the car. –kill me already. It's not as if there was actually a reason out there for me to be living. -

An annoying little voice in the back of my head started chanting, "Johnny isn't dead" over and over again. I told the voice, that if it didn't shut the hell up I was gonna-

"THAT'S RIGHT, KILLER," a horribly familiar voice shouted, "KILL YOURSELF SO THEN ALL OF YOUR WHITE-TRASH FRIENDS CAN KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU! " At first I thought it was in my head but then I heard what sounded like someone shutting a car door.

I opened my eyes and nearly jumped out of my skin.

Four socs had surrounded me while I was waiting to get plowed by the car. -Obviously they'd seen the crazy kid standing in the road and stopped. - I looked past the socs and spotted their car. It was a red corvette. _ 'Old cars, new cars, red cars, blue cars.'_

I directed my attention back to the four guys in front of me.

One of them was David, the big, tough, blonde, mean guy who tried to drown me in the fountain. I recognized one other guy from that night too but I don't know his name.- The only reason I know David's name is because, well, because Bob yelled his name out before telling him to drown me.-

I looked around for Randy, and just like at the rumble, there was no sign of him. I guess he really did get out of town. The other two guys were complete strangers. Never seen them before in my life…

David suddenly lunges at me, throwing his hands around my neck. I felt his icy cold fingers dig into my throat for the second time in my life. He was choking me and I was getting dizzy, so dizzy that I didn't notice that two of the socs had started panicking and returning to the car. One of them stayed behind with David… Probably to help him finish me off.

I felt my knees caving in on themselves and there were big black dots growing to humongous sizes, fogging up my vision

I started blacking out when I heard the other guy tell David to lay off.

"He isn't worth it, David." I turned my head and looked at him through the black dots that were clouding up my vision. The dots reminded me of the steam on the bathroom mirror after you take a shower. I absently waved my hand in the air, trying to wipe away the fog on the mirror.

"What the hell are you doing?" I suddenly became aware of the fact that the socs were both now staring at me.

"Look at him; he's not even here. I'm telling you, man, you have nothing to gain by hurting him. Sure his friend killed Bob, but Bob had tried to kill him." The soc points at me. David lets go of me and I fall to the ground. I shakily get back on my feet, feeling every cut and bruise from the rumble, throbbing like one hundred little hearts all over my body.

"Actually," I found myself saying, "Johnny didn't kill Bob. I killed Bob." My mind went blank. Suddenly, I wasn't even thinking anymore; I was just taking.

"No you didn't, I was there. It was your friend." I wasn't even sure of who said that.

"Yes, Johnny had the knife, yes, Johnny stabbed Bob causing him to bleed out- but that is not the reason why he died. He died… because I was born. Therefore, I killed Bob."

"Shut up…"

"The sooner you kill me, the sooner I shut up."

"You want me to kill you? Do you really want me to kill you?"

"Yeah, sure, but before you kill me, can I ask you a question?"

"WHAT?"

"Where am I?"

"Dave, common, he doesn't even know where he is."

I reached up to scratch the side of my head where it had been itching for a while, but when I scratched I noticed that my hand had something wet on it. I looked at my hand and saw blood. For reasons unknown to me I brought my hand up to my nose and inhaled deeply. I then put my hand to my mouth and licked some of the blood off, savoring that strange metallic flavor that blood has. Oddly enough I found this taste rather appealing. I was about to lick my finger, but I stopped and looked up. The socs were leaving; all four of them were getting back in their car.

It was all over, or so I thought…

David stops, turns around and looks at me. And that one look told me everything I needed to know: I freaked them out.

He turns back around and climbs into the driver's seat.

I closed my eyes and licked my index finger, listening to the roaring sound of the car engine as they drove off. When I couldn't hear the car anymore I started walking again. And with every footstep I took my head pounded, my vision blurred and my legs wobbled, but I kept walking. I have a funny feeling that if I passed out I would still be walking, in my mind I would still wander around aimlessly, not getting anywhere and not caring enough to want to get anywhere.

I don't have a clue where I'm going; I also don't know where I am. - Not like it matters anyway.

…

For the longest time- or the shortest, I couldn't tell how long it had been. Could have been hours, could have been seconds. Hell, it could have been three days for all know! - I didn't see anything but the sidewalk and the black sky. There weren't any stars in the sky tonight. Well, actually there were. I just couldn't see them because it was cloudy. The stars are always there, even if you can't see them, because they don't just go away. It's not possible. –anyway why would I even care about that? Not like it actually matters…

Suddenly I noticed a sign that look familiar. It was just a glowing yellow gas station sign. As I got closer I couldn't help but wonder if there was a Pepsi machine inside. I was getting thirsty and I couldn't tell whether it had been 5 minutes or six months since I last had something to drink.

As I neared the gas station I noticed someone loitering outside. From far away, he was just a stranger, but as I got closer I started to realize that he was the exact opposite.

I was about five yards away from him and by now he was looking at me, there was shock written all over his face.

"Ponyboy," Dallas Winston, closing the distance between us in one stride, grabs me by the shoulders and, shockingly, pulls me into a hug.

It was almost too much. Before I could do anything about it I felt my legs give way. Of course I didn't hit the ground because I was already in Dally's arms.

I couldn't help but notice that the hard look that he had on his face only a moment ago had vanished into thin air. It was as if whatever he had been thinking about before he saw me didn't matter anymore.

"Whoa, you ok? I better get you home!"  
>Dallas picked me up and slung me over his shoulders. It was very uncomfortable.<p>

…

For a while I just let Dally carry me, but then I lifted my head up and saw he was about to open the front gate. That's when it occurred to me how everyone would overreact if I was carried inside. I don't need that kind of drama right now.

"Dallas, I feel better now," I lied, "You can put me down."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

I slide down off Dally's back and once he's sure I'm not gonna topple over he opens the front gate.

I walk through the front yard with Dallas right behind me. I climbed the steps of the front porch, swaying again, but it was ok because Dallas steadied me. He grabbed me under the arm and helped me to the door.

Darry was on his feet as soon as we came through the door.

I looked around and saw Steve lying on the couch under a heap of icepacks. His eyes were shut, but they opened when he heard the door bang the door frame. His eyes were red-rimmed and he looked sick.

I wondered if my own eyes looked as feverish and sick as his. Sodapop was sitting on the floor next to the couch watching Steve.

"Ponyboy, where have you been?"

"I –I don't know," And I don't care.

"Here, Ponyboy, sit down. You look like you've been though the wars."

"Nah, I'm cool," I tried to push by Darry so I could go to my room, but he wouldn't let me by.

"I found him at this gas station near the park. He was just stumblin' around and then he walks up to me and passes out. I carried him here." Dallas started guiding me over to the couch where Steve lay. Steve moved his feet slightly so I could sit down. I sat down, it was such a relief I thought I was going to keel over.

"Johnny's dead," I heard Dally say, "We told him about beatin' the socs and… I don't know he just died," Dallas sounded like he was about to burst into tears at any minute.

"He told me to stay gold," I heard myself say. I couldn't remember why Johnny had said that. - Something about the sky right? Well, if it doesn't make sense then it doesn't matter.

Darry walks over to his armchair. He doesn't sit down, just stands over it, staring into it as if he expected Johnny to appear there any minute.

There are tears sliding down Soda's cheeks leaving small wet trails, small wet trails that I can see my reflection in.

I heard a door open and then close. I turned around and saw Twobit walking out of the bathroom. For a moment I thought we'd have to break the news to him separately, but then I noticed that his bottom lip was trembling. He looked me right in the eyes, and then started crying.

I turned back around and noticed that Steve had moved an icepack onto his face. It_ was _on his ribcage as a healing resource, but now it's on his face, as a failed attempt to cover up the fact that he was crying.

I found it kind of silly that Steve was trying to cover up the fact that he was crying seeming as everyone, including Dallas Winston, was crying.

"_Dallas Winston is crying…"_

These words don't go together in this sentence.

It doesn't make sense, these words in this order.

I can't seem to wrap my mind around this.

Suddenly my mind seemed to flashback over every sentence Johnny ever said with the words "Dallas Winston" or "Dally" in them.

"_Dally's more like them southern boys."_

"_Dallas, you sure can cuss good."_

"_Dally can get us out of this mess if anyone can."_

"_Dally's a good guy, if you know him real well."_

"_Don't nobody talk to Dally like that…"_

It wasn't much, because Johnny doesn't talk a whole lot, but it was just enough to push me over the edge.

Images of Johnny and Dally walking to the drive-in with me kept flashing through my mind, I could almost hear the conversation we were holding that day.

My head pounded and I saw red, at the same time, in my head I saw me and Johnny together in the church back in Windrixville. I was reading _Gone with the Wind_ out loud; Johnny was smoking a cigarette and eating a bologna sandwich while listening to me read.

"Darry, at the rumble there was a soc kickin' Ponyboy in the head."

"What?"

"Yeah, afterward Soda and I ganged up on him; we kicked that stupid soc all the way to the west side."

I suddenly had an unfamiliar image pass before my eyes. I felt like I had seen it before, but at the same time I hadn't. In the image I was running to the lot with the gang, there was a sense of anxiousness in the air. Something terrible was about to happen. I looked around and saw everyone except for Johnny and Dallas.

Before I even had the chance to figure out what was going on, the image flickered out, like a single light bulb hanging from a string in a vacant attic.

Without thinking, I reached up and touched my index finger to my temple.

An image of Johnny and me on the swings at the park popped into my head. Johnny was swinging higher than me, way higher, so high that I thought that he might actually go over the bar this time. Johnny let go of the chains of the swing and jumped off, right when he was as high as he could get. He flew, Johnny did. To say that he flew like a bird would almost be an insult, because there was never a bird that ever existed, who had flown with more grace than Johnny did that day.

This was three months ago,

Three months…

It was only last week that me and Johnny sat out in the empty lot, looking at the stars… looking up at the stars and wondering if anyone was looking back.

But that was last week, and last week seemed to have passed a lifetime ago.

"PONYBOY, STOP THAT!"

I looked up with a start and realized everybody in the room was staring at me.

I then realized that I had my finger in my mouth.

I glanced over at Dally, saw the tear stains on his face and my head pounded, almost like an automatic response.

My head pounded once more bringing with it the image of Johnny's body lying in the bed back at the hospital. Then that one was followed by the image of Johnny on the swings, soaring like a bird, no something greater than a bird… an angel. But, before Johnny can leap from the swing, the image turns red.

"GLORY, LOOK AT THE KID!"

"OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?"

"SOMEBODY DIAL 9-1-1!"

Then the image shatters, the pieces fall into obscurity where they shatter again, into smaller pieces.

Then the floor rushes up to meet me, surrounding me in, for once not the color red, but the peaceful color black. I lay there in the black, latent until I heard voices calling to me from somewhere far off, trying to get me to come out, trying to pull me into the light. Waiting for me to come from my dark hiding place, so they can see what they once could not…

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